The Exception Is Not The Rule
A few weeks ago my wife and I watched two movies - "No Strings Attached" and "Better Than Sex." The premise of "No Strings Attached" is that the two main characters would begin a sexual relationship that would continue only if they promised to not fall for each other. In "Better Than Sex" the characters decide to have a one night stand and think it will not be that big of a deal because the male character in the story was to leave town for good in three days.
Even if you have never seen these movies in particular, you have probably seen many movies with the same themes. Ultimately the characters begin to develop feelings for each other. They try to deny their feelings but in the end they begin to pursue a relationship and live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is typically not how it works in the real world. Sure some people have gotten together based on one night stands and/or casual sexual encounters but those are definitely the exception to the rule.
We have already established that men and women view things differently. For the most part sex is just sex for the male. Have there been times when a man wanted more than just a casual sexual encounter with a woman, of course. Have there been times when a woman only wanted sex and nothing more, of course. Yet we must realize that these are not the rules, they are the exceptions to the rules.
I cannot tell you how many times a female friends of mine have gotten their feelings hurt trying to play this crazy game. Think of the times when you said to yourself or others that you were a “grown woman” and if you wanted to just have sex, that is what you were going to do. Now think about the times that you said this and ultimately regretted it. It seemed like a good idea at the time because your hormones were raging but when it was all said and done, you felt empty because of it. When asked can a woman be “friends with benefits” Dr. Laura Berman writes in The Book of Love, "It's possible, but there's a catch-22. If a tumble is satisfyingly complete for a woman, her brain becomes flooded with the bonding chemical oxytocin. Most women won't be able to have good sex with you and not become attached."
So many times I have heard women claim that they see sex in a different light than men. They say that sex is more than just the physical and that it is also an emotional bond. So then I ask, how do you think that you can just have casual sex, if you need an emotional bond? Do you think that you can train yourself to get rid of your emotions? Do you think that like these Hollywood movies,one day you will meet the man of your dreams while having meaningless sex with him? How long will you continue claiming one thing, while pursuing the total opposite? Do the rules not apply to you because you are the one exception to them?!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Giving Away Your Gift
Giving Your Gift Away
I was reading Men's Health Magazine not too long ago when I ran across an article title 30 Secrets Women Keep. In the article women say that they would not tell there partner how many men they had slept with. The article goes on to say that even if she did give you a number of men she slept with, odds are she may have been lying to you. If that was not bad enough they go on to say, "Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet."
Many women try to stay away from this conversation because we live in a society that does have double standards. Let's be honest about this for a second - if a woman has slept with x number of men, people will look at her in a negative light, even other women! . For men however, it is almost accepted that he has "sown his royal oats." When watching a scene in the movie Better Than Sex, the female character admitted to having 27 sexual partners while the male character admitted to sleeping with somewhere between 40 and50 women. Am I the only person that sees something wrong with this picture?
I am not writing about the double standards among our sexual practices. That is beyond old and quite frankly, a stupid argument. I am merely pointing out the gift that we have given away. Most of us who have gotten married did not get married as virgins and though some of us have a conservative number of sexual partners, others will probably put Wilt Chamberlain to shame. This should not be. If you have had sex with one more person than your spouse, you have already given away your gift.
Most of us were raised in the church and taught that we should not have sex before marriage. This was the design of the God. Sex was meant to be enjoyed – it is a beautiful thing. It was meant to be the gift that you gave to your spouse and only your spouse. Now sex is just a thing. It no longer holds any real significance to us because everyone is doing it. Elementary school kids are having sex these days. How crazy is that?!
People think that their sexual past is just that, their sexual past. They believe that you should not worry about their past because it does not involve anyone else, but I disagree. In the movie For Colored Girls, one of the main characters is crying with her husband in a fertility doctor’s office because they cannot have kids. She admits to him for the first time that she contracted an STD from another man in the past, preventing her from conceiving. Many women cannot conceive due to past abortions and husbands have to find this out in the worst of ways. Her past has now become their past.
This isn't just on women. Men are just as guilty. Because of our foolish ways we have spread diseases to many others. On top of that, we run around getting various women pregnant. Before you know it, we have two and three random “baby mommas”. Your past is not just about you- especially not when some of those crazy baby mommas come knocking on your door. Your future wife is not all that accepting when she sees how much child support has to be paid on a monthly basis. She should be the first and only mother of your child.
These things are the outward consequences of past sexual relations. What about the inward things? In a survey from Men's Health Magazine 51 percent of women said that is was natural to fantasize about other men while having sex. Though some men could care a less about what a woman is thinking during sex, I caution you that this is not a good thing. Make no mistake that men are guilty of this also but something that seems so innocent can become a big problem. Are you then comparing your partner to your old sexual partners? Trust me, nothing good can come of this. Before you know it, your past is now staring your present and future directly in the face. Not all men and women are created equally but you get upset because your spouse does not do the things that someone else used to do. We are supposed to come into a marriage with the same amount of sexual experiences, zero. We are supposed to create our own sexual history and not have it blurred by other people.
We spend so much time worrying about fulfilling our sexual urges that we do not think about the future consequences of them. If you asked a man to give up his Rolex watch, he would want to know what he stood to gain from the exchange. If you asked a woman to give up her new Christian Louboutin shoes, she would not give them up without a fight. Yet we give our bodies to just about anybody that smiles at us the right way. How many of us have people that we can't remember in our sexual archives? How many of us have people that we hate in those archives? Sex is supposed to be the closest that you can ever be with someone. You are physically inside of another human being and to us it means nothing. The once great gift that only one person should have the privilege of opening is no longer valued the same way God designed it to be. So to you non-married readers out there I ask you, how long will you continue giving your gift away?
I was reading Men's Health Magazine not too long ago when I ran across an article title 30 Secrets Women Keep. In the article women say that they would not tell there partner how many men they had slept with. The article goes on to say that even if she did give you a number of men she slept with, odds are she may have been lying to you. If that was not bad enough they go on to say, "Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet."
Many women try to stay away from this conversation because we live in a society that does have double standards. Let's be honest about this for a second - if a woman has slept with x number of men, people will look at her in a negative light, even other women! . For men however, it is almost accepted that he has "sown his royal oats." When watching a scene in the movie Better Than Sex, the female character admitted to having 27 sexual partners while the male character admitted to sleeping with somewhere between 40 and50 women. Am I the only person that sees something wrong with this picture?
I am not writing about the double standards among our sexual practices. That is beyond old and quite frankly, a stupid argument. I am merely pointing out the gift that we have given away. Most of us who have gotten married did not get married as virgins and though some of us have a conservative number of sexual partners, others will probably put Wilt Chamberlain to shame. This should not be. If you have had sex with one more person than your spouse, you have already given away your gift.
Most of us were raised in the church and taught that we should not have sex before marriage. This was the design of the God. Sex was meant to be enjoyed – it is a beautiful thing. It was meant to be the gift that you gave to your spouse and only your spouse. Now sex is just a thing. It no longer holds any real significance to us because everyone is doing it. Elementary school kids are having sex these days. How crazy is that?!
People think that their sexual past is just that, their sexual past. They believe that you should not worry about their past because it does not involve anyone else, but I disagree. In the movie For Colored Girls, one of the main characters is crying with her husband in a fertility doctor’s office because they cannot have kids. She admits to him for the first time that she contracted an STD from another man in the past, preventing her from conceiving. Many women cannot conceive due to past abortions and husbands have to find this out in the worst of ways. Her past has now become their past.
This isn't just on women. Men are just as guilty. Because of our foolish ways we have spread diseases to many others. On top of that, we run around getting various women pregnant. Before you know it, we have two and three random “baby mommas”. Your past is not just about you- especially not when some of those crazy baby mommas come knocking on your door. Your future wife is not all that accepting when she sees how much child support has to be paid on a monthly basis. She should be the first and only mother of your child.
These things are the outward consequences of past sexual relations. What about the inward things? In a survey from Men's Health Magazine 51 percent of women said that is was natural to fantasize about other men while having sex. Though some men could care a less about what a woman is thinking during sex, I caution you that this is not a good thing. Make no mistake that men are guilty of this also but something that seems so innocent can become a big problem. Are you then comparing your partner to your old sexual partners? Trust me, nothing good can come of this. Before you know it, your past is now staring your present and future directly in the face. Not all men and women are created equally but you get upset because your spouse does not do the things that someone else used to do. We are supposed to come into a marriage with the same amount of sexual experiences, zero. We are supposed to create our own sexual history and not have it blurred by other people.
We spend so much time worrying about fulfilling our sexual urges that we do not think about the future consequences of them. If you asked a man to give up his Rolex watch, he would want to know what he stood to gain from the exchange. If you asked a woman to give up her new Christian Louboutin shoes, she would not give them up without a fight. Yet we give our bodies to just about anybody that smiles at us the right way. How many of us have people that we can't remember in our sexual archives? How many of us have people that we hate in those archives? Sex is supposed to be the closest that you can ever be with someone. You are physically inside of another human being and to us it means nothing. The once great gift that only one person should have the privilege of opening is no longer valued the same way God designed it to be. So to you non-married readers out there I ask you, how long will you continue giving your gift away?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Your Weakness Used Against You
YOUR WEAKNESS…….. USED AGAINST YOU
My wife has a saying (I don't know where she got it) – “Women are pink inside”. She uses this statement to illustrate the fact that women are not like men when it comes to dating and sexual practices. A man can tell a woman that he is not looking for anything serious and in most cases he means exactly what he says. A woman can say that she is not looking for a relationship but when things happen in her mind that seem to constitute a relationship, she begins to want more or think that the relationship is more than it really is.
A man thinks that if he tells you that he is not looking for a serious relationship, this is his way of clearing his own conscience. In his mind he is saying “I think she is cool enough to spend some time with but just not cool enough for me to want to make her my all”. He has learned a long time ago to separate his actions from his emotions. In all honesty though, he knows exactly what he is doing. He wants the benefits of having a girlfriend without the responsibility of having a girlfriend.
Women seem to differ from men when it comes to this. A woman can start off hanging with a guy with the thoughts of no strings attached but in most cases her emotions get the best of her. She begins to think he is cool because they have such a fun time together. They begin doing “couple things” without the actual title of couple. She at some point begins to think of him as her man while he still thinks of her the same way he did from day one. This, of course, is where the conflict arises.
Most women cannot play this particular game with men, because it is not what they do best. From early on in life women seek the “Ken and Barbie” or the “Princess and Knight in Shinning Armor” relationships. Little boys are stealing their older brothers’ Playboy magazines, dreaming of the day that they can feel a woman for themselves. Their feelings from early on are less about emotions and more about the physical. He does not dream of the white house and picket fence, he dreams of the nurse outfit and garter belt.
My wife has a saying (I don't know where she got it) – “Women are pink inside”. She uses this statement to illustrate the fact that women are not like men when it comes to dating and sexual practices. A man can tell a woman that he is not looking for anything serious and in most cases he means exactly what he says. A woman can say that she is not looking for a relationship but when things happen in her mind that seem to constitute a relationship, she begins to want more or think that the relationship is more than it really is.
A man thinks that if he tells you that he is not looking for a serious relationship, this is his way of clearing his own conscience. In his mind he is saying “I think she is cool enough to spend some time with but just not cool enough for me to want to make her my all”. He has learned a long time ago to separate his actions from his emotions. In all honesty though, he knows exactly what he is doing. He wants the benefits of having a girlfriend without the responsibility of having a girlfriend.
Women seem to differ from men when it comes to this. A woman can start off hanging with a guy with the thoughts of no strings attached but in most cases her emotions get the best of her. She begins to think he is cool because they have such a fun time together. They begin doing “couple things” without the actual title of couple. She at some point begins to think of him as her man while he still thinks of her the same way he did from day one. This, of course, is where the conflict arises.
Most women cannot play this particular game with men, because it is not what they do best. From early on in life women seek the “Ken and Barbie” or the “Princess and Knight in Shinning Armor” relationships. Little boys are stealing their older brothers’ Playboy magazines, dreaming of the day that they can feel a woman for themselves. Their feelings from early on are less about emotions and more about the physical. He does not dream of the white house and picket fence, he dreams of the nurse outfit and garter belt.
Are Men Born Vultures, or Are We Raised That Way
Are Men Born Vultures or are We Raised to Be Vultures
For as far back as I can remember, sex has been on my mind. It seems as if the thought of sex dates back to elementary school. In a time when we are supposed to be our most innocent, my friends and I started to discover something that was too advanced for us to comprehend. Many little boys grow up in a house where uncles, fathers, and brothers inevitably have a porn stash.
I was talking with my wife the other day about the differences between little girls and little boys. A little girl plays with Barbie and Ken with a sense of innocence. She may have them walk together holding hands and will occasionally make them smooch but little boys are conditioned differently. Little boys will try to make the dolls hump each other while trying to replay the scene from a dirty movie. Long before he has had sex, the young boy has already developed a view of what sex is.
Think of the porn that men generally hide. Maybe back in the day it was Playboy, but trust me Playboy is like watching a sex scene on NBC compared to other magazines and media. Not to be crass but little boys are exposed to women with their legs wide open, penetration, and oral stimulation. In a time in which we should be learning about the Declaration of Independence and long division, we are learning about sex in the most unhealthy of ways.
Now times have changed and I saw the beginning of that change while I was growing up in South Florida. 2 Live Crew used to play on the radio. Guys would drive around in their cars with loud speakers blasting “Shake what your momma gave ya” and “Hey we want some pussy”. Before we knew any better, we were singing “head, head, and mo’ head”. Now little boys don't have to sneak to watch Playboy because BET makes sure that we see more than enough soft core nudity.
Little boys aren't really raised with the mind set of what healthy sex is. He is raised on terminology like “when you gonna let me hit that”, I am gonna blow your back out”, and “When you gonna give me some brains”…...So this is what he has become. Women aren't really seen as queens and princesses, but rather as objects of desire. For most men, it does not make him angry to see Nelly swipe a credit card down a woman's behind -he may think that it's funny and maybe even something that he wants to try. This is not an excuse for the male behavior, however I believe this to be an important insight into why he behaves the way that he does.
For as far back as I can remember, sex has been on my mind. It seems as if the thought of sex dates back to elementary school. In a time when we are supposed to be our most innocent, my friends and I started to discover something that was too advanced for us to comprehend. Many little boys grow up in a house where uncles, fathers, and brothers inevitably have a porn stash.
I was talking with my wife the other day about the differences between little girls and little boys. A little girl plays with Barbie and Ken with a sense of innocence. She may have them walk together holding hands and will occasionally make them smooch but little boys are conditioned differently. Little boys will try to make the dolls hump each other while trying to replay the scene from a dirty movie. Long before he has had sex, the young boy has already developed a view of what sex is.
Think of the porn that men generally hide. Maybe back in the day it was Playboy, but trust me Playboy is like watching a sex scene on NBC compared to other magazines and media. Not to be crass but little boys are exposed to women with their legs wide open, penetration, and oral stimulation. In a time in which we should be learning about the Declaration of Independence and long division, we are learning about sex in the most unhealthy of ways.
Now times have changed and I saw the beginning of that change while I was growing up in South Florida. 2 Live Crew used to play on the radio. Guys would drive around in their cars with loud speakers blasting “Shake what your momma gave ya” and “Hey we want some pussy”. Before we knew any better, we were singing “head, head, and mo’ head”. Now little boys don't have to sneak to watch Playboy because BET makes sure that we see more than enough soft core nudity.
Little boys aren't really raised with the mind set of what healthy sex is. He is raised on terminology like “when you gonna let me hit that”, I am gonna blow your back out”, and “When you gonna give me some brains”…...So this is what he has become. Women aren't really seen as queens and princesses, but rather as objects of desire. For most men, it does not make him angry to see Nelly swipe a credit card down a woman's behind -he may think that it's funny and maybe even something that he wants to try. This is not an excuse for the male behavior, however I believe this to be an important insight into why he behaves the way that he does.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Men Aren't Dogs, We Are Vultures
Something All women Should Know-An Unfortunate Truth
My wife and I are talking about having a baby soon. She is so excited about the potential of having little girls, while I on the other hand only want sons. She thinks that I don't want daughters because they will have me wrapped around their little fingers but that's not quite it - I just don't want my future daughters to deal with the Vultures that will surely come their way.
Yes, fellas - I am calling us Vultures. Men, like Vultures, are animals who prey on others. The Vulture seeks to attack weaker animals for the sake of fulfilling their own gain and as men, we are no different. They say that Vultures seldom attack healthy animals. Do we not do the same? We generally seek easy targets and women with some type of self esteem issue. I am sure by now that healthy women would have noticed that many men stay away because if what we are looking for requires too much work to accomplish, we move on to an easier target.
I know that women do not like to hear a man call them weak and some of them think themselves to be stronger than they really are but that false belief opens women up to becoming lambs to the slaughter. Some confuse being well-educated, gainfully employed, and generally self sufficient as a protection against the Vulture but in all honesty, most men find that these things only mask other insecurities women have.
I am no clinical physiologist but the term “daddy issues”is real. So many women are trying to find love in the wrong places and in many cases will do some strange things to get it. They think that their actions will win the Vulture over, but it does not. The goal of the Vulture is to attack - and what better victim is there than a woman trying to win a man over while he does nothing to win her over. At that very moment (just like a vulture), it is as if he is flying in the desert and spots you from miles away. He can see the desperation of your actions in the same way that the Vulture can see the fatigue of the dying animal. In that very moment he knows that you are safe for the attack!
My wife and I are talking about having a baby soon. She is so excited about the potential of having little girls, while I on the other hand only want sons. She thinks that I don't want daughters because they will have me wrapped around their little fingers but that's not quite it - I just don't want my future daughters to deal with the Vultures that will surely come their way.
Yes, fellas - I am calling us Vultures. Men, like Vultures, are animals who prey on others. The Vulture seeks to attack weaker animals for the sake of fulfilling their own gain and as men, we are no different. They say that Vultures seldom attack healthy animals. Do we not do the same? We generally seek easy targets and women with some type of self esteem issue. I am sure by now that healthy women would have noticed that many men stay away because if what we are looking for requires too much work to accomplish, we move on to an easier target.
I know that women do not like to hear a man call them weak and some of them think themselves to be stronger than they really are but that false belief opens women up to becoming lambs to the slaughter. Some confuse being well-educated, gainfully employed, and generally self sufficient as a protection against the Vulture but in all honesty, most men find that these things only mask other insecurities women have.
I am no clinical physiologist but the term “daddy issues”is real. So many women are trying to find love in the wrong places and in many cases will do some strange things to get it. They think that their actions will win the Vulture over, but it does not. The goal of the Vulture is to attack - and what better victim is there than a woman trying to win a man over while he does nothing to win her over. At that very moment (just like a vulture), it is as if he is flying in the desert and spots you from miles away. He can see the desperation of your actions in the same way that the Vulture can see the fatigue of the dying animal. In that very moment he knows that you are safe for the attack!
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